Let’s talk about drugs, baby, and not the illicit, scandalous kind. Well, there seems to be a taboo to antidepressants, perhaps even more so to the various party drugs people discuss freely. I’ve spent a year and a half on antidepressants, and it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions, symptoms and opinions. As much as the world wants me to keep my mouth shut about it, I’ll keep talking about my experiences on antidepressants, and Lexapro in particular, because I don’t want anyone to feel alone in it. It’s said that about one in ten individuals are currently taking antidepressants, and I’d like to know where those people are! To hopefully provide the same space to another, here are my reflections on eighteen months on antidepressants.

A quick note before we begin: I am not a doctor. I did not go to medical school. I have a Bachelor of Social Sciences, so not even close. This is not medical advice or a scientific study, just my own experiences on antidepressants. Please, speak to a professional about medication or psychiatric help, because you deserve to be your best self.

Before

It feels crazy to believe that almost two years ago, I was battling with the thought of starting antidepressants. I had a lot of fears about starting this medication, and I’m embarrassed to admit how unimportant most of them were.

On that little medication box is a dedicated sticker urging you to be careful with alcohol! Not just in general, although people suffering from mental illnesses like depression have a tendency to abuse alcohol. But most antidepressants impact your alcohol tolerance. Plus, alcohol is a literal depressant, so the effects likely aren’t going to be pleasant.

I was worried about starting this medication because it wouldn’t mean I’d have to really, really watch my alcohol intake. I had briefly tried medication in the past and combined it with heavy drinking —- a dark time. I wanted to do it right this time. I decided to go teetotal, at least in the beginning. I wanted to get better, and I didn’t want to risk alcohol slowing down that process. As one friend bluntly pointed out, “You barely drink now, so what’s the difference?”

Aside from alcohol, I was worried about possible weight gain. My psychiatrist seemed fixated on this side effect as well, much to my dismay. I had battled with an eating disorder for years, and I still felt like I was balancing on a slippery slope.

For the rest, it was mainly the idea of being someone who needed antidepressants. Having to tell people that I was on them. Wondering if I’d ever stop taking them.

But I was exhausted from inhabiting my own mind every day. Something had to change. So I agreed to try medication, picked up the prescription, and started diligently swallowing it each morning.

Just After

The first weeks were not easy, to put it lightly. I don’t want to deter anyone from trying medication that might help them, so please, please remember that this is just my experience, and that it passed! If you’re already nervous, skip ahead to the good stuff. But I want to share it as I would’ve benefited from hearing more first-person accounts. My midnight Google sessions just produced medical sites and scary lists of side effects.

Let’s rip off the [size large] bandaid: I did put on weight. I don’t know how much, as I did not weigh myself prior, and I haven’t weighed myself since. I’ve suffered from an eating disorder since my adolescence, and I’ve found not weighing myself helps to quiet that voice in my mind. Nevertheless, I could see that I put on weight, and I noticed it in my clothes. I didn’t go on a diet, I didn’t begin purging again, and I didn’t let myself hate my medication for it. Instead, I bought looser clothing, I relished my daily walks just like before, and I worked on loving my rounder tummy. It isn’t easy, and I still struggle with it, but I’d rather be a larger size and cope mentally, than what I was before. My skinniest version in adolescence was also my unhappiest, I always remind myself of this.

I struggled with a lot of nauseaduring those first weeks. I’ll be painfully honest: my lack of appetite made me briefly hope I would end up losing weight on my medication —- ha! How wrong I was. The nausea got especially bad when exercising, but I only threw up once or twice as a result. Mainly, I drank a lot of water and just ate simpler foods. The nausea passed within two or three weeks, and I haven’t seen it since.

Hello, hot flashes! I’m one of the lucky individuals experiencing extreme sweating as a side effect. I started my medication during a particularly hot European summer, and so I hoped this was just a result of the weather and adjusting to things. I found that I sweated profusely and easily, and I felt much warmer than everyone around me. As a result, I also got dehydrated quicker when I went on a tropical holiday with some friends, and experienced migraines more than usual.

If you know me in real life, perhaps skip this bit. Initially, I struggled with ahem finishing sexually while adjusting to the medication. I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time, so this was more of a solo endeavor. I noticed reduced interest, so I stopped trying for a while. Again, I’m admitting this because it wasn’t something I heard much about beforehand. I worried that I’d never be able to experience sexual pleasure again, whether that’s alone or with a partner.

Increasing my dose

Initially, I started on 5mg of Lexapro. I began to feel some effects from this, and plenty of side effects, but it wasn’t quite enough for me. I was experiencing the mood stabilisation promised, but still some low periods. My side effects began to diminish slowly.

After about six weeks, I met with my psychiatrist and we raised it to 10mg. I experienced the side effects again slightly, but they mainly passed. I found this to be my sweet spot, as it provided enough benefits, and no new side effects. I’ve stayed on this amount and have no intentions of changing it anytime soon.

Now

It’s been eighteen months, and I remain so grateful that I started medication. I am fortunate to live in a country where this was possible and covered by my health insurance, I don’t take that privilege lightly. I still take my medication daily, and I have no intentions of stopping, as it works for me.

For me, Lexapro provides stability to my mood. I used to shift moods constantly, and it was exhausting. I was elated, then devastate,d then furious, then sobbing, and back again in an hour. With my medication, I feel a constant mood, usually neutral or just above that. I’ve had an incredibly tough year, and I lost a close family member to cancer. Without my medication, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten out of bed each day. It’s possible that I felt my grief slightly less or numbed myself to a lot of it, but maybe I needed that. I used to feel everything 200%, and experiencing grief to that level is truly debilitating. My family needed me at this time, and my medication ensured that I could be there for them.

Did the side effects of my antidepressants pass? My weight seemed to stabilise. I don’t see it as a concern because I’m the healthiest I’ve been. Now that my depression is manageable, I find it so much easier to go for long walks and runs, and I don’t use food as a coping mechanism. I know that my weight is not a reflection of my health, as my skinniest version was the most unwell. I know this, and it doesn’t matter if other people don’t.

I still get far too warm and sweaty, but it’s definitely less than those initial weeks. I don’t struggle from nausea at all (except for the occasional bout of seasickness on ferries in Greece). The *ahem* sex issues are completely gone in my case. Perhaps it’s slightly different than before the medication, but I can survive. I was nervous when I eventually did sleep with someone, but it turned out the parts worked.

It’s been an active choice to like my medication and to accept it for all the good it does for me. I’ve taught myself to look forward to taking it every day. I don’t hide the fact from people, but I also don’t feel the need to offer it up in every conversation. I discuss it openly online because I think that’s the only way to clear the air around antidepressants and psychiatric medication in general. I don’t want it to be a shameful secret, when it’s just the boost that brings me to everyone else’s level. Reflecting on the past year and a half, I don’t see that time in terms of my medication, but in all the memories and experiences it gave back to me.

Here are some great resources on antidepressants. If in doubt, speak to a trained professional. If you feel judged or uncomfortable, find a different one.

ReThink

Mind

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