Recently a friend admitted to me the thing that we’re not supposed to say out loud. No, not that we don’t wash our sheets nearly enough, nor that we secretly enjoy plucking those coarse chin hairs and giddily run to the bathroom whenever we feel one. She admitted that sometimes she felt lonely, even though she had plenty of friends, went out frequently, and barely spent any time alone.

I was shocked to hear this, because I sometimes feel lonely too, only I never felt like I was allowed to admit it. I’m pretty much the oil to her vinegar. I spend the majority of my time alone, by my own doing. I’m an introvert, I’m travelling on my own, and nothing sounds better than an evening curled up on the couch with a good book or Netflix show. I choose to be alone, and 95% of the time, I love it. I’ve finally fallen in love with my own company after decades of running from it. But once in a while, I suddenly feel lonely.

A case of the lonelies, that’s what I like to call it. When out of nowhere, you feel lonely. Maybe you were scrolling through Instagram Stories, maybe you were thinking about that friend you never see, maybe you were standing in the middle of a crowded club. Wherever it was, you suddenly felt completely and utterly alone. It’s an emptiness inside you that biscuits can’t quite fill, no matter how many you scarf down.

What is loneliness?

I’m not going to Dictionary.com this one, but to put it simply: loneliness is an emotional reaction to perceived isolation. It’s a lack of social contact. Our need for social contact and relationships isn’t being met, and we feel that absence like a physical ailment. I like to imagine it as my social well is empty and needs more water (or yapping time with my friends).

Here’s what loneliness isn’t: a major red flag, proof that you’re a loser, and a neon sign something is wrong with you. It doesn’t mean that you need to drop everything and completely change your life. Don’t suddenly download dating apps or call up everyone you went to high school with.

It also doesn’t mean that you should be embarrassed. I have felt so embarrassed to feel lonely, more so now that I’ve designed a life that involves a lot of being alone. I’m a freelance writer, so my day-to-day work involves a few emails and a lot of time spent talking to myself. I’ve wondered if it’s my own fault I feel lonely at times, if I need to change everything as a result of this sudden feeling. I feel like I deserve my loneliness, and yet I feel reluctant to deal with the ugly emotion.

But loneliness isn’t something to fear, it’s actually a hunger for social contact. When we haven’t eaten in too long, we feel hungry. And when we haven’t spoken to another human being without a screen separating us for too long, we feel lonely. Loneliness is right up there with thirst, tiredness, and hangovers. It’s a reaction to our immediate surroundings. You might feel a bit embarrassed to be so hungover after two drinks in your late twenties, but would you feel embarrassed for not being hungry after skipping breakfast? Would you be embarrassed to seek out water after going full-camel mode for a day?

The shame of loneliness

Don’t fear your loneliness, treat it like you would treat any other hunger, which I hope involves satisfying it with a delicious bagel or bowl of pasta. Admit when you’re lonely and recognise that it isn’t a reflection on you. Everyone gets lonely sometimes, some more heavily than others, and some more frequently than others. We experience loneliness so differently, and we even feel it differently in our bodies. My loneliness is a tightening in my chest, while for you, it might be an anchor in your stomach.

Do you need to change your life for loneliness? That depends. If you’re lonely a lot of the time, then maybe you’re missing the number of social connections you need to thrive in your day-to-day life. But if you get lonely once in a while, like after a day spent moping sick in bed, or randomly on a Saturday afternoon, then there’s nothing with that. Call up a friend, head to a cafe, or do something else that involves people being nearby.

Also consider if you’re actually feeling lonely, or just assuming that you should. It isn’t loneliness if it’s FOMO, jealousy, or insecurity. Those are different emotions that need a different type of self-care antibiotics.

We all have different levels of loneliness, just like we all have different levels of hunger. I have a friend that suggests splitting a pizza at an Italian restaurant, and another that thinks we might need garlic bread alongside our two pizzas. Our hunger is different, our sleep requirements are different, and our social values couldn’t differ more if we tried. There is no shame in loneliness, so don’t run from it, but embrace it with compassion. Try to recognise what initiates it, perhaps the FOMO of seeing people at a festival on social media, or thinking about your ex with rose-tinted glasses.

Loneliness is what you make of it, and it deserves your compassion, not your shame. There will always be lonely moments in life, just like we’ll sometimes find ourselves inexplicably hungry after a big meal. Remember that even when you feel lonely, you’ll always have yourself.